The Art Of The Eavesdrop

 In my 16 years of being alive, I’ve developed many skills. Skills are subjective. What makes you good at something? Is it the look in people’s eyes when they see you do that thing? Is it your outlook on the thing you are doing? Or is it the fact that you can do more than the average person? I don’t know. My eavesdropping ability is skillful, that’s for sure. I might even call it a craft. A craft that requires several important steps that I’ve learned and perfected through the years. 

There are several kinds of eavesdropping, some of which require more skill than others. The easiest form is the “outside the door” eavesdrop. This technique is seen in books, movies, and pretty much every other kind of entertainment. All it requires is two people having a conversation in a different room, and silence from the listener. You stand outside the door, eavesdropping, making sure that no one opens the door.

The more commonly used technique is much more difficult to execute: what I’ll call “the camouflage”. Basically, hiding in plain sight and listening to a conversation that is happening near you. Usually you don’t plan this. People will just start talking next to you, and you have to improvise. But, there are some steps you can use to guide your eavesdropping.

Step one: blend in. This was much easier when I was younger, but it’s possible, no matter how much space you take up. You have to pretend like you are so busy and immersed in an action that there would be no possible way that you would be eavesdropping. Like, for example, writing an essay. You have to pretend like you’re very invested in this essay, but not too much. Maybe sneak in some sighs from time to time, or some hand movements that show exasperation or despair (those seem to work the best). Don’t be afraid to walk away from time to time, in order to show that the conversation isn’t interesting to the point where you would be invested.

Step two: listen. This step is simple enough. You have to be a passive listener to successfully eavesdrop. Carry on with your pretend task, and don’t stop. If you suddenly cease your action, it’s suspicious. This is why you have to select a quiet alibi. You have to be able to hear what they’re saying while continuing with your activity. 

Step three: don’t react. If you hear something funny or shocking, DO NOT REACT. Don’t chuckle, don’t gasp, don’t look up. Just don’t make any sort of noticeable sign that you were listening. If the people having the conversation see you laugh out of the corner of their eye, they will immediately suspect you. If it so happens that you arouse their suspicion, simply ignore the first accusation. Then, when they repeat it, you come out with a convincing “huh?”. You have to pretend like you were so invested in your activity that you are not even listening to what they are saying. Most of the time, if you play dumb, they’ll believe you. However, they will move away, which is almost as bad as them knowing you were listening. So whatever you do, STAY NEUTRAL.

And do you want to know what the best part about eavesdropping is? They never know. You can listen to your extended family talking about your endeavors, or your friends trash-talking you, without them having a clue! Just wait until the next opportunity where you can surprise them with information they didn't think you had...